Weird Sportball Thing

(Prompt taken from the r/writingprompts subreddit. Prompt created by u/HellOrJustWeymouth)

Bob Announcerman and Adam Announcinator, sport announcer extraordinaires, were announcing the biggest sport game of the announcing sport season.

"Welcome to the 2146th annual Superb Owl!" Bob hooted.

"That's right Bob," Adam said, "Superb Owl. That's the game we're watching right now."

"I know, isn't it great?" Bob hooted again, even through the death glare that Adam was sending him.

"Why don't we introduce the teams?" said Adam, trying desperately to keep things on track.

"Hmm..." said Bob, "Is it because it's more fun to figure out who the teams are on your own instead of having it told to you?"

"It was a rhetorical question."

"Rhetorical? So you didn't want an answer? Why even ask, then?"

"Introduce the damn teams."

"See? Was that so difficult?" said Bob.

"I hate you so much."

The crowd started to cheer. Either the game had begun or someone brought out that really cool crowd beach ball thing.

"Look," said Bob, "The beach ball is out and the game's starting. We could've introduced the teams if you weren't stalling with your weird rhetorical questions."

"How do you sleep at night?"

"I-"

"No. Don't answer," Adam sighed, "Just announce the coin toss, if you can manage it."

The two teams walked to the center of the field.

"Longer Not-Phallic is doing the coin toss for his team?" said Bob.

"Looks like it, Bob. It seems even sport professionals are intimidated by his..." said Adam.

"It's pretty impressive. Like Michael Jordan's stretchy Space Jam arm but with his..." said Bob.

Adam cleared his throat, "Now's not the time to talk about this."

Longer stepped up, gigantic honking Pinocchio nose whacking the coin straight out of the ref's hand.

The other team, which is somehow still unnamed, decided to counter with Totally Not An Oompa-Loompa.

(Oompa-Loompa's were banned after the southern hemisphere was turned to glass in the Great Chocolate Coin Toss of 20XX. But it's okay here since Totally was blue because of a rare birth defect.)

The two combatants stood head to head, nose to nose, staring into each other's beady little eyes. The coin went into the air and Longer flared his nostrils really hard, causing Totally to freak out and not call the toss, making the toss default to Longer's team.

Totally fell onto the ground like a bag of really expensive fountain pens, shamed so hard that he couldn't even stand anymore.

"Bad choice on their part, going with Totally like that," said Bob.

"For once I agree with you. No idea what they were thinking," said Adam.

The teams stood / hand stood / squatted / photosynthesized across each other, looks of determination and nose-ness in their eyes. The way too slow countdown clock was turned on; this was the part where they just stood there and tried to intimidate the other team in any way they can. It was traditional, apparently, even though nobody remembered why.

"Look! What's Skin God doing?" said Bob while hooting vigorously.

Skin God, as his namesake implied, had a really good skin care technique. Probably subscribed to r/skincareaddiction or something. What a mad lad.

"Seriously, what is he doing?" said Adam, who brought out his binoculars.

Skin God was rubbing a neon glowing green goo skin care cream onto his beautiful perfect skin. There was a lot of undulating motions and weird grunting sounds, which really added to the whole "eldritch monstrosity summoning ritual" thing he seemed to be going for.

"Wasn't Shub-Niggurath, black goat of the woods, mother of a thousand young, banned from the competition for being biased towards Oompa-Loompas?" said Bob.

"No. I mean yes it was banned, no that's not what Skin God's doing. Look."

The green flubber shit or whatever it was absorbed into Skin's flawless perfect and well cared for skin. He probably looked 10 years younger than he actually was. Wow.

"Now wha-" Bob paused, "I just got word that it's to open his pores!"

"Open his... Oh. I'm gonna throw up," said Adam, who really was about to blow chunks.

"Woah!" said Bob, who was probably a psychopath now that I think about it.

Skin God's pores were opening. And opening some more. And a little more...

"Hey Adam. Don't you have really severe trypophobia? Adam?"

Skin God's pores were very open now. He was like 50% larger due to the holes.

"Adam! Open your eyes, you gotta see this!"

When you cut a string on a net there is one less hole in that net. The same thing was happening to Skin God. After a minute of opening his pores he skin cared himself completely out of existence.

"Bad move. Should have waited until his team had the lead before transcending like that," said Bob.

"It's over?" said Adam through his various breathing techniques.

"Yeah. Too bad you missed it."

"Thanks for- Oh god what the fuck!"

"Which is why we have Instant Replay! You don't want to miss this game, folks! Stay tuned while we get a word from our sponsors!"

You sat there, ice cream having fallen out of your cone like that guy from Lilo and Stich. You know the guy that always drops his ice cream? That was you watching what should have been your favorite team's match.

It wasn't even half time yet and you've seen three Elder Gods, a blue Oompa-Loompa, blood rain, chocolate rain, beanbag rain, the stadium changing what sportball game was being played every three minutes, using bowling balls as extra players, and live action ASMR rap.

Maybe you should lay off the ice cream, man. And lay off the ice cream man; you can't afford to pay him any more.