The Fucking Exploding Ham Phone

Snapple Crapple & Popple was announcing a new phone. It was foretold in the rings that this year's release was going to be special.

"The new Ham Phone can take calls, text, connect to the internet, and fucking explode."

Dead silence in Madison Square Garden.

"You might be asking yourself, 'Steve. Why does my Ham Phone fucking explode?'"

He used his prosthetic hand to change the slide. It was yet another stock picture of ham, except this time with the Shutterstock logo still on it.

"To them I say, 'If you have to ask, you just don't get it.'"

Bod HamHam's gimmick was legally changing his name whenever the next new fad came out. This unambiguously made him the world's best news anchor.

"SC&P's new Ham Phone is causing quite the stir," he was talking with a plate of ham in front of him for effect, "Besides connecting to the internet, it also, quote, 'fucking explodes.'"

He took a bite of the ham for effect.

"Children around the world are losing their hands to this new technology craze," he swallowed the ham for effect, "Stay tuned for a shocking story of recovery as the a victim of a Ham Phone gets a new prosthetic sand," he meant to say "hand", but accidentally said "sand" instead; for effect of course.

His co-anchor, Fuck Fuck Who Fucking Cares, said (without effect), "SC&P, CEO, PPO, IPO, BBC, Tx3, P.O.O.P, XKCD, Y, 10X, GG no-re, WYSIWYG. GOAT. ASAP."

HamHam gave him the stink eye, for effect. He didn't say anything, for effect.

Fuck Fuck smiled and said, "I'm leveling up my S.H.I.T."

"What."

"S. hitty
H. acronyms
I. per
T. paragraph."

At that moment HamHam's Ham Phone fucking exploded for effect.

Corn Cornucopia was lonely at the school lunch table. His single mother couldn't afford a Ham Phone. She was also a penguin.

"Sigh," he said out loud instead of just sighing, "All the cool kids have Ham Phones."

Corn had a condition where he said the obvious out loud, totally ruining any attempt at following the "Show Don't Tell" writing advice that every author gets.

Another kid came up to Corn. After savagely and swiftly kicking his ass, she brought out a Ham Phone and gave it to Corn.

"Wow! That's so weird and absurd for you to give me something like that right after opening up a can of whoop-ass on my ass!" said Corn.

Instead of answering, the other kid just T-posed and disintegrated, her purpose in the story fulfilled.

"Well, said Corn," said Corn, "I hope that this exploding Ham Phone doesn't fucking explode right after I finish this sentence."

"Doctor! Doctor! Will my daughter be okay?"

"Nope."

"I- Wha- Oh god..."

"I ate her."

"...?"

"Her head was made of ham, and I was hungry, okay?"

"Doctor!"

"Yes Nurse Other Person?"

"That was a reference to something, wasn't it?"

"Yep."

That's when all the Ham Phones in the vicinity detonated.

Just kidding. They fucking exploded.

"All things considered," said the Ham Phone 2 lead (not the metal) developer, "We probably shouldn't have made the new Ham Phone a self aware self replicating nanobot swarm."

"What makes you say that?" said the junior engineer as his constituent atoms were systematically turned into explosive ham.

"It's not even a phone anymore! We totally missed the ball on the project specs."

"Technically, the nanobots are still shaped like phones," said Fugly. Fugly was arbitrarily the ugliest person in the world. It wasn't his fault or anything, but he was still a nightmare to look at.

The junior engineer, having completed his transformation, decided to end the visual scourge that was Fugly once and for all.

With one swift motion he fucking exploded, causing all nearby ham to fucking explode, which made all the Ham Phone nanobots fucking explode, which made the rest of the world fucking explode.

The fucking end.