Dan Times Dan

(Prompt by /u/Mockingasp from the /r/writingprompts subreddit)

No less than thirty versions of myself were congregated in my back yard.

"The council of Dan has convened," said one of the Dans. This one was wearing a hat made out of smaller hats. It was pretty cool looking, honestly.

More Dans were popping into existence. One of them, who looked more like Shia LeBeouf than me, said, "I come bearing news from the future."

"That was redundant," said Slime Dan, "We all know it's from the future. You're wasting time."

"We can time travel, we don't waste time," said Shark Dan.

"He doesn't know," said Shia LeBeouf Dan, who pointed at me.

They all turned to look at me, "Uh..."

"He's Dan Zero. If he dies we all do," said Shia LeBeouf Dan.

Another Dan came into existence right next to me, making me jump out of my skin. "Take this. It's a cat that only speaks in nouns."

"Prostate," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

The Dan with the cat that only speaks in nouns thrust the cat that only speaks in nouns into my arms. "Uh..."

"Cat," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

"Good. You gave him the cat that only speaks in nouns." said another Dan.

"This isn't how time travel works!" said yet another Dan.

"Like you'd know how time travel works." said Cool Hat Dan.

"Tissue," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

"Uh..." I said, "What's going on?"

One of the Dans put his hand on my shoulder, "It all started a few years into the future. You met this girl and-"

At that exact moment a group a Dans screamed into existence, "She's coming! Get ready!"

"Wait. If she can time travel, why wait until-" said another Dan, before being turned into a frozen popsicle.

"Get down Mr. Dan!" said Shia LeBeouf Dan, who blocked another ice bolt that was heading right towards me.

It seemed like good advice. I clutched the cat that only speaks in nouns and crouched. The mob of Dans grew in size as they all faced a single direction; to wherever "She" was.

"Refrigerator," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

I looked up to see the sky rend open, bringing forth a door the size of a city bloc. It opened and people poured out of it, dropping bombs and shooting guns down into the crowd of Dans.

The crowd of Dans grew exponentially in response. They made futuristic looking shields and crowded around me, fighting off the initial ambush.

One of the Dans ran up to me and handed me a piece of raw chicken breast. I had to maneuver the cat that only speaks in nouns to one arm. Upon further inspection the raw chicken breast had words burned into it.

"Song," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

Dans were screaming, explosions were exploding, and I was crouched in the middle of it holding a piece of raw prophesy chicken in one hand and a cat that only speaks in nouns in the other.

"Song," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

I guessed it was a song written upon that raw chicken breast. It used phonetic English to pronounce words from a language I didn't know. It wasn't structured like song lyrics, but I couldn't really judge a chicken by its rawness, now could I?

One of the copies of the woman got close enough for me to see her face. It was that cute cashier I'd met a few days ago. We had a date scheduled for today.

Before I could say something funny and ironic like, "Is this your idea of a good time?" Shark Dan used his shark skin to sand paper her arm, reminding everyone that shark skin was like sand paper.

She crumpled to the ground screaming and three more Dans pounced on her.

I had to look away. The confusion had done well to suppress my rising panic, but seeing three copies of myself brutalizing someone like that...

"Song," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

I clutched the cat that only speaks in nouns harder, trying to block out the sounds of battle all around me.

"Song," said the cat that only speaks in nouns.

I was beginning to get the message. The raw prophesy chicken was a bit squished in my grip, but the lettering was still readable. Something was going on, and I had to trust my future selves that they knew what they were doing.

"Song."

And so I sang.